Almost 3 years

Two and a half years later, and I'm still in my miserable marriage, completely disrespecting the man that I married. I'm tired of my life with him, so to be honest, I'm out to create a new life, still married, but more individualized and independent. The latest? Well, let's just say that he doesn't put anything into out marriage.. If we do something, it's because I initiate the activity. Like the cruise... I'm not sure I liked it, I thought the first day was stupid and a waste. I really only like laying on the beach in St. Maarten. It's easy to complain and criticize when you're not willing to step up to the plate and take a turn at bat. Also, once again, I want my backyard finished, I want my water feature put it, but no, he doesn't want to spend the money to put the under deck system in right. He wants to cheapen it and get some fiberglass sheats from Home Depot that "will do". Do you have any idea how I hate his cheap ass attitude? The deck sucks because he didn't want to do the work to notch the wood so things would fit right. Instead he used some metal brackets that everyone can see when they walk out there. It looks industrial instead of something that would be in someone's back yard. Then there's the terraces. They look fine, but let's put some wood as steps and call it good, so what it they aren't even, unstable to walk on, ans just plain ugly. The house painting... he didn't want to spend the money on the paint that the painters wanted to use, and starting 2 years ago, paint started to chip and peel. You wouldn't guess that our house was just painted 5 years ago. He's been asked for 2 years to contact the manufacturer's about the quality of the paint, but he hasn't. He's a useless, childish little boy. To be honest, I wish that he would just die.....

Single Parenting...

I might be married, but often, I feel like a single parent. I make lunches, make sure they have breakfast, sign permission slips and find lost library books and the like. I'm the one that tells them to clean their rooms, pick up their dirty clothes, do their homework and generally when to go to bed. I do most of the doctor/dentist appts. I do the grocery shopping and the errands, and lately when there's travel, I do all the practices and getting everyone where they need to be, when they need to be there, and generally on time. I call the teachers, and interact with the schools. I sign the planners and check the portal, and e-mail teachers when I need to.
Personally, I'd make a GREAT single parent - I get way more practice then I should...

Needing a place to talk...

SO, I'm lonely and frustrated in one aspect of my life - my marriage. For anyone who should read this, I'm sure you're wondering why I don't get out. I would, but how? I have no money, I don't have a secure job and the bills aren't getting paid. He has our HELOC to the top, the AM EX is overspent thanks to him not waiting to get certain parts of his care fixed and his trip to SF. Also, I know staying married is letting me get my kids the things in life that I want them to have.
This morning, I got bitched out for paying the bills - mainly the mortgage and AM EX. It's his pay check, he says, he should be the one to pay them. The abuse I take and the anger he directs at me, is amazing. and yet, to keep some reasonable level of peace around here, I'm the one who appologizes.
I now realize that I really don't have anyone to talk to. Yesterday, this BITCH, Tracy, called me, basically remove me from a goodwill project that I started to help this girl battling cancer. Truth it, Tracy's a neighbor who is feeling guilty that she hasn't done anything to help, so by taking my project and idea, she can feel good about herself. If she would have been nice and simply asked, I would have gladly stepped aside, but ordering me? Who in the Hell does she think she is ? (I KNOW she's a ball-breaking BITCH!) truth be, I have no weight in this matter and it's all about the girl...
I had a very nice looking man flirt with me last night. I guess I'm not as ugly as I'm made to feel around here. Oh, and the scale is going down again...

So lonely

OK, so it's the first official day of school here. I'm so bored and lonely that I could just SCREAM!!! I don't think you're fully aware of how much activity kids bring into a household until they're not around (and you have nothing you REALLY want to do!)
My day has been dull. DD's bus came at 7:54, DS's at 8:17. Crap, now what to do. When all else fails and you don't want to clean, go to Sam's club! OK, that killed until 10:20 (I would have been home sooner, but I was waiting for Sam's Liquor to open at 10 so I could buy Mike some beer- because i'm a GREAT wife!) Now unload the car - another 15 minutes killed (that could have gone faster, but I had to debate opening the Combos - I didn't!)
OK, plop down on the bed to watch some stupid movie on the Disney Channel (people's court and Maurey seemed really lame - do people really watch this stuff?) Next, decide that i'm hungry and that even though I'd kill anyone who ate in my room on my quilt, I grab a piece of pizza and soda. Spread blanket out on bed in case there's a spill. Wouldn't you know it, ice moved and I spilled the soda (good thing I thought about spreading out a blanket) So, now i'm starting a load of laundry.
It's a GOOD thing DD gets home in 2 hours...

Life's little Frustrations

I married a Behaviorist. You may wonder what that exactly means. Well, it's someone that believes that evrything in life should be about ellicting and extiquishing responses to get the behavior that you want.
I've been with the same man for over 19 years. Because he's a behaviorist, we can't/don't have make up sex. Why? He believes that if you "reward" fights with sex, it will encourage more fights to have more sex. What is has really done to our marriage, is that when fights are over, you're just left with an empty feeling. The fight may be over, but the resentment and confusion remains. There is no "good" feeling that signifies that the fight is TRULY over. In the last 19 years, we've had makeup sex, once, about a year ago. I have to admit that it was some of the best sex that we've had in 5 years. How I got lucky that one time, I really don't know. Likely won't happen again - it might set up that pattern that we fight more (sheesh - like that can happen!)
When my kids are married, I'm going to encourage make-up sex because it's good for a relationship to do something so intimate (and that feels good) to end something that felt so bad.

Speaking of sex, I think we've actually had sex only 3 or 4 times this whole year. The last 2 times being just this month, and to be honest, a complete waste of my time! First off, I don't hit the big "O" anymore. It's like he forgot who he was with. Second, I don't have any true romantic feelings for him. I don't have a lot of respect for him. We don't go out, we don't go dancing (probably one of the things I like to do more than anything else), we don't spend anytime together. Every night, he goes to the basement and watches TV, I read, help kids with their homework and watch TV in the bedroom. It's too cold downstairs for me. Third, I'm always put on extinction. I get pretty much ignored whenever I do something that he doesn't like - which is most times, it seems.

I need to make a life of my own, either with him (likely) or without him (unlikely). I'm becoming depressed (no, never enough to do something stupid). i NEVER expected to be 42 and in a completely passionless marriage. It is my children that keep me going...

Little Boy Husbands

I married the typical LBH (Little Boy Husband). He expects dinner to magically get done, doesn't think making dinner or helping to make dinner is his job. My other big peeve - he thinks that whenever something is gone, I should make sure it's re-stocked, without anyone telling me that the item was gone in the first place.
Case in point, just this week alone. Monday he tells me that the milk is just about gone, but then has a fit when I don't have some in the house on Monday night and I tell him that he can't drink any because I need it for my breakfast and there's other things in the house that he can drink that I can't. You know, we both are pretty much working 5 days a week, we both have the same hours on the weekend (and typically he has more because he doesn't often do VB stuff)
Tonight we have a fight because he said he would make dinner and then comes home and tells the kids that we have some time before dinner because I haven't made it yet. After dinner, he takes off to Sam's even though he knows that I'm going on Friday. (LBH passive-aggressive bull shit)
I had a friend on Friday ask me why I'm married to him, and honestly, I don't know why. It's been over 3 months since we had sex, I don't find him physically or emotionally attractive anymore, and we generally don't like each other.
So, why do we stayed married? It's because we have kids that we can't tollerate the idea of not seeing everyday. I can't afford to be a single parent and give my 2 kids the things that I want them to have. The money is likely the bigger reason. I like my house, my parents gave us 20K so we could have this house - house prices are so high, it would be hard for either one of us to afford a similiar house.
I can't believe how terribly lonely I am. I would rather just be alone that be lonely. Every night, he goes downstairs and watches TV, I go to our room and watch TV, take a bath and go to bed. My life is my kids, sadly, its that pure and simple, there is no me, there is just them...

And now it's over...

I actually ended my fast Friday morning with a trip to Perkins for breakfast with a friend. It felt good to eat, but I wasn't all that hungry. I wasn't hungry for lunch on Friday, and didn't eay much until dinner when I had a great steak (which I didn't eat it all) and spaghetti squash (which was delicious!)
I ended up losing 4#, had some great runs and some great weight lifting sessions. Overall, I felt great, and was glad I went through the experience. It said that when you were truly detoxed, your stools should be pretty light in color (which they were). I almost wasn't pooping any more - because there wasn't anything to poop?
I think I will do this again, maybe after the first of the year, of just before Thanksgiving. I noticed that I'm not very hungry, Diet Coke (one of my favorite drinks for the last 20 years) doesn't taste very good, sweets and junk doesn't have much of an appeal to me, my portions are smaller, AND I seem to get "tipsy" pretty darn easy. (I made myself a cranberry and vodka and in a few sips I was feeling it!)